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I was sitting in the back seat next to my brother when a motorcyclist recklessly swerved in front of us. The driver, a recent acquaintance who had offered to drive us home from school, tried to maneuver the car so as not to hit it. It didn’t hurt him, but the car flipped over in seconds and we crashed.
I ended up with 19 broken bones, an eight-day coma, expensive medical bills, loss of income and college education, and a long and painful recovery process.
There are two ways to respond to this story.
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1. Focus on intention
- “I’m sure the motorcyclist was just in a hurry.”
- “I’m sure the driver was just trying to do the right thing.”
- “An accident is by definition unintentional.”
2. Focus on impact
- “I’m sorry to hear you got hurt.”
- “Any others injured?”
- “Is everyone alive and well now?”
While most, if not all, intentional statements may be true, and the thoughts may arise automatically and involuntarily, they are not helpful when spoken to someone who is in pain or fear.
One of the ways we invalidate people is by emphasizing our innocent intentions or those of others.
What is intention and what is impact?
Intention is the idea or desire behind our language, behavior, or lack of words or actions. It is what we mean by our words or actions.
Impact is the effect our words, actions, silence or inaction have on another person or community. It is how our words, actions, silence or inaction are felt, experienced and understood by another.
Intention vs Impact – What’s the difference?
Intention is the desired aim or purpose of your words, actions, silence or inaction, so it is the impact you want to create while impact is how someone receives or perceives what you do or share. It is what the listener hears, understands and feels, which is not guaranteed to match what the speaker expected. The listener is not a mind reader, so they will only be able to interpret the reality of your actions based on experience.
Each side filters the situation through their own history, cultural context, beliefs, feelings and worldview.
Related: How does an inclusive culture improve business performance?
Prioritize impact
An inclusive leader understands that even the best of intentions can have a negative impact. However, an inclusive leader prioritizes impact to be respectful and validate the experience of the team member who feels hurt or sad.
Does intention matter?
The biker just kept going, and we never found out who he was or if he even noticed what was happening, and no one took his license plate number or called the police. But if he had been prosecuted, his intent would have mattered in a court of law.
Both drivers would probably have been found innocent or charged in a way that could never reflect the impact this car accident had on my life.
Beyond the apparent health, financial ramifications, and opportunity costs, this event has been very debilitating to my mental health. It’s been over 25 years and I still experience anxiety and even panic attacks associated with driving. And there’s so much more!
But even in a courtroom, intent also matters. Had there been evidence of intent to harm, the accident would have immediately become a crime.
Acknowledging the impact of our conversations is imperative to creating a safe space where people can be vulnerable.
However, it is essential to empower people to express their intent after being held accountable for the unintended consequences of their actions. When we explore both impact and intent, we can create connection, nurture curiosity, and communicate concern.
Related: Why Our Best Intentions Might Not Be Interpreted As The Best
Prevent invalidation
When someone raises a concern, we should avoid and discourage these invalid statements:
- “I meant no harm by it.”
- ‘I’m sorry you feel this way. That was not my intention.’
- “It was just a joke!”
A great leader does not deny, dismiss, or downplay the impact words and behavior cause and educate others. This is especially critical in creating an inclusive environment.
For example, as an immigrant to the United States and as a woman of color, I have often been the target of discrimination, micro-aggressions, and subtle (and overt) exclusion. I’ve had thousands of conversations with people who have had similar experiences and are equally passionate advocates, but don’t feel safe speaking up because:
- They’ve learned that claiming a lack of ill-intention or a lack of knowledge can throw people off the hook.
- They end up being shamed for their feelings, experiences and perceptions.
- They see no change in the environment.
Fostering a culture where everyone feels safe, seen and supported requires an impact-focused, intention-inclusive approach.
Related: 9 best practices to improve your communication skills and become a more effective leader
My 3-step communication model
If there’s a gap between intention and impact, we can bridge it with what I call “Communication CPR.” The three elements of communication CPR are:
Care: Aimed at validating the affected person.
Perspective: Allowing the affected person to give their perspective and then examining the other person’s intent.
Repair: Take immediate action to make the necessary shifts to ensure resolution, reconciliation and restoration.
Start communication CPR today!
There were two drivers and three passengers in that car accident and I’m thankful we all survived. When you apply the communication CPR model in the workplace, your team’s harmony and morale will also survive and thrive.
When we focus on impact and examine intent, we can avoid otherness and create workplaces and communities that are safe, welcoming and inclusive, both in our personal and professional lives.
Are you willing to try impact-focused intent-inclusive communication?
