It is common knowledge that most fairy tales came from a dark place. Repackaged as delightful fables of good over evil, these children’s stories started off as something much, much scarier, often without a happy ending. Movies like Gretel and Hansel reclaimed some of that dark space. The latest trend is to turn beloved children’s books into twisted horror versions of themselves. Did we really need our childhoods distorted into these nightmarish visions that will haunt our dreams for years to come? Could be.
With significant public domain licenses expiring this year, the timing was perfect for the decidedly unsweet horror reimagining of Winnie The Pooh and Piglet starring a duo of sadistic serial killers called Winnie The Pooh: Blood And Honey. Rhys Waterfield’s movie will feature wild furries left behind by Christopher Robin. Since the internet went berserk for the trailer of what is arguably the most anticipated horror movie of 2023, other IPs have been mined to find the next saccharine icon to become a murderer, monster or torture victim.
Already quite horrific, Bambi becomes a vicious killer lurking in the woods, and Peter Pan is currently being conjured into something less innocent and magical by the guys behind The Mean One. Even the Christmas classic from Dr. Seuss got a goddamn retool with Steven La Morte’s The Mean One.
While I’m not entirely convinced that this latest trend is the next great subgenre to emerge, it does provide plenty of fodder for speculation. With other major IPs entering the public domain in the coming years, I thought I’d put together a wish list of who and what we’d love to see get the horror movie treatment. So here are the top five childhood characters who should pick up the hatchet and when they’ll be available.
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Tarzan and the Golden Lion in 2023
This one almost screams for an eco-horror remake. Tarzan could be an ecowarrior battling a bunch of wayward tourists. Who wouldn’t love to see a jaded fellow swinging from the vines high in nature and armed with an endless supply of weapons? He could use extracts from the jungle to build up and unleash his inner monster. Tarzan is said to be super passionate about his jungle and not keen on a bunch of ignorant students encroaching on his territory. Think The Green Inferno meets Beast. Lions, tigers and murderous heroes, oh my.
The Hardy Boys in 2023
The crime-solving brothers are tailor-made for a Nancy Drew, Riverdale CW glow-up. First off, the teenage boys are already sleuthing, so let’s just let them solve murders. The twist would be that these murders would all be sadistic massacres perpetrated by a sick twist who loves the game as much as the gore. Think Seven meets Saw with a hint of teenage angst. Brutal death traps and deep community secrets would share space with romance. I can already hear the keyboards pounding and casting agents rushing for Stranger Things’ Finn Wolfhard and Noah Schnapp.
Buck Rogers in 2023
Another sci-fi and horror hybrid that looks ready for something more substantial than the frothy offerings we first got. Battlestar Galactica gave us a grittier, sharper remake, and Buck Rogers could take a similar direction, only further. Instead of finding himself in suspended animation for hundreds of years, Buck could fall down a wormhole to the future hell, like the portal generator seen in Event Horizon. Sam Neill could play Buck Rogers as a grayer and more corrupt anti-hero who isn’t quite convinced he doesn’t belong in hell. Anything can be wrong with the 24th century: environmental disasters, alt-historical nightmares, and dystopian hegemonies. I could go on about this for days.
Popeye in 2024
Popeye’s bulging biceps and spinach consumption could be reimagined as a weird The Stuff meets Robocop thing with roots in a classic good versus evil dilemma. Bluto could remain his nemesis and Popeye would have to decide if it’s worth turning into a monster himself to save his beloved Olive Oyl. Olive will not be standard [email protected] or. The skinny damsel must be a little twisted herself. I imagine Rosamund Pike or Krysten Ritter, who may or may not be in cahoots with Bluto and be able to fend for themselves. Thank you very much. My personal favorite childhood character, burger obsessor Wimpy, has to be a deranged bum who is more than he looks.
Steamer Willie in 2024
The mouse that Disney’s Mickey Mouse is modeled on will be available in 2024. So what better way to keep the gloved rodent and their ever-rising park costs down than to ruin this iconic character? I can’t help but imagine something that would be a combination of Ben and David Lynch’s Eraserhead on a steamboat. A surreal sci-fi hybrid starring Crispin Glover and written by Baran bo Odar and Jantje Friese of Dark and 1899 fame. Steamboat Willie was a stripped-down, black-and-white creature practically crying out for the Lynchian touch. Of course realistically this will never happen, but a girl can dream.
Bonus nightmare for kids
Me and my shadow Al Jolson, Billy Roseand Dave Dreyer must become the future Smile. Shadows are creepy already, and the idea of it never leaving your side is ready-made for a horror movie. It could easily be a low-budget movie that doesn’t require a lot of effects or CGI. Psychological, terrifying and moody, it would be relatable to anyone and deeply scary. Tension would fill every scene and lead to a baffling conclusion that could be debated on Reddit years later. This number is now available.
It’s likely the success of The Mean One and Winnie The Pooh: Blood And Honey will determine whether more of our childhood is destroyed. If the viral buzz is anything to go by, we should expect an abundance of this nightmare fuel in the future. Even more classics will enter the public domain in the years to come, and this could be the next smash-hit subgenre whether we like it or not. The Mean One is in select theaters now, and Winnie The Pooh: Blood And Honey has a release date of February 15, 2023.
As editor-in-chief of Signal Horizon, I enjoy watching and writing about genre entertainment. I grew up on old fashioned slashers, but my real passion is television and all weird and ambiguous stuff. My work can be found here and Travel Weird, where I am the editor-in-chief.
